Really nice. A little clunky in the middle, but worth it for a great beginning and end, and a wonderful general theme.

--
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind - Dr. Seuss

Thank you. :3

You have no idea how hard it was to work the middle. XD It was SO much worse before than what you see here...argh, knowing me I'll rework it yet again before the year is out. ^__^;;

Thanks so much for the lovely words!

--
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."
-G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936)

I got the sense of a nursery/lullaby, which is achieved nicely through the simple rhymes and repetition. I like the poem and the underlying tragedy, which is pulled off in a contrary tone that belies the full nature of the topic. That’s probably how a lot of fables are constructed, which mean you did a great job with the form.

Although, the first thing I noticed is that the second rhyme felt forced. There are a few repetitive lines - outside of the refrain - which could be improved upon. I’ve nothing against simple, obvious rhymes, but the second line is both cliché and without context.

When I got to the second stanza the word “little” piqued my interest. While the stars are little in the skies, something whose cry travels millions of miles wouldn’t be small. Given your intended audience, I have no issue with your usage. I just wondered if “little” was the best word choice.

Most of the punctuation seemed appropriate. The only issue I have is with the two ending ellipses. The grammar doesn’t necessitate an ellipsis because it is a complete sentence. On top of that, back-to-back ellipses is odd. I’d prefer to see you pull back out of the suggested wishes with a 2nd double dash. Now that I look at it, those back-to-back double dashes are also odd. Wow … there are two sets of back-to-back ellipses! You only ever need one when placed inside a sentence (unless separated by more words like you see when people quote mine).

Reading through the poem, I came across a lot of words that could be cut to help the movement, which would have no detrimental impact on comprehension. There are probably more, but these jumped out at me.

1 - “I’ve noticed”
2 - “and look” (looking)
5 - “their” “all”
7 - “and”
8 - “of those”
15 - “they tell me”
19 - “and even” “we” “will”
21 - “we are so”
22 - “that”
25- “and”
27 - “that you” (we)
29 - “so”

Good luck with your revisions.

--
~D

Thank you so much!

I copied and pasted the poem (plus your comment) on to separate word documents to read through them again-- they solved a lot of the problems I was having with the piece in the first place.

The double dash (--) is just a habit I developed. It's the same thing as one dash (-), but I just preferred it. Who knows.

I admit it; I'm an over-user of ellipses (these things, right?: ... ). Thanks for harping on me about those. I really do need to cut back when they're not needed.

By second line, are you referring to "And look beyond the glass for old-time's sake,"?

Again, thank you for your thorough critique. :3 I strongly believe that all writers need a good dose of it to improve. That's why I joined the Writers Workshop! I don't get enough because no one I really know is willing/experienced enough to point out my mistakes. It's extremely refreshing!

--
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."
-G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936)

By second line, are you referring to "And look beyond the glass for old-time's sake,"?

Yes. Old-time sake is cliche, which I don't claim as terrible like some might. But, you are referencing something never explained. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't seem to fit the start of the piece to me.

By back-to-back double dash and ellipses, I mean ... ... and -- -- like in the last stanza "-- /--For".

I'm not anal about people using a double dash instead of a long dash, but too long dashes would be odd just like two ellipses is.

--
~D

Hey there. :3 You've been pretty adventurous with your punctuation, and I really appreciate the risk-taking that went in to some of your decisions. However, I see that one of your problems is that you are trying to punctuate the poem exactly as it sounds in your head in order to achieve that "lyrical" effect, and it's actually working against you.

I'm not going to go into the purpose for each punctuation mark, as you can read the guide I created out of this workshop for some pointers, but I did want to offer you a few suggestions to help your poem come together a bit more.

Keep in mind that these are only suggestions - they are not the only way to punctuate this poem - and the final decision is always up to you.

I thought your first stanza was punctuated well. I really like the way you used your commas, and everything seemed entirely appropriate. I do want to mention that the commas surrounding "awake" are optional, but leave them in if they suit your taste.

Moving on to the second stanza, I've made two changes:

Their little cries all reach my ears:
No one knows they're dying, here.

A dash is generally used to represent a shift in tone or a change in direction, but that's not what is happening here. Instead, you are clarifying or explaining the first statement by using the second to add more detail. Because of this, I suggest a colon. A colon is meant to create an inviting pause so that the reader knows they'll get some answers or some further explanation.

With the second line, I removed the ellipsis because, in truth, your statement ends with "here". An ellipsis means that you start saying something, trail off and skip a few words, and then pick up what you were saying again. I don't see any evidence of "skipped" words here, nor do I see you trailing off. Instead, I see the end of one thought and the beginning of another. The period would really be your best bet.

I made two changes in the next stanza, too:

No one knows the stars are dying;
No one knows, and no one's trying.
No one knows they've lost their worth
As one by one they fall to Earth.

A semicolon is used to separate two complete-but-related thoughts. A complete thought is a thought that can stand on its own and make sense regardless of the sentences around it. That's what you have in your first two lines: two (technically three) complete thoughts. When you want to connect two complete thoughts, a comma can't do it on its own. To connect them with a comma, you'd need a conjunction - like you used with "knows, and no one's". However, a semicolon can connect the two related thoughts very easily without adding any words.

I changed you other semicolon to a period because, while the thoughts are related, the first two lines are more related to each other than the second and third line, and I think you'd be better off ending one train of thought with the period before starting up another.

Optional commas could offset "one by one".

Two changes in the next stanza:

They fall to the ground like silent rain;
I retrieve them and try to heal their pain.
They tell me the world is different from before,
And they refuse to shine for us anymore.

You do very well with commas, but it seems like the more advanced punctuation throws you off. A dash is used to represent a shift in tone or a break in thought, which is not happening between the first two lines of this stanza. Instead, you need a semicolon again to connect the two separate-but-related thoughts.

And, again, the period would better suit you after the second lie because the third line is a complete change of direction, not merely a shift, encompassing a totally different idea, too.

Two changes in the next stanza:

And even as they fall, we humans will rise -
Despite the heaven's unyielding sighs.

When you use the same punctuation mark to end one line and begin another, it's like putting two commas in a row (,,). It should never be done. Also, you should avoid beginning any lines with punctuation as it is.

Beyond that, you are trying to create a pause after "rise", but you are not trailing off or leaving things out. I agree a comma wouldn't work, but if you really want to indicate that pause (it's not necessary; you could remove all punctuation), then I'd sugget the dash.

One change:

We are so caught up in our own lives
That we hardly see beyond our eyes.
The stars call out, but we don't hear,
And they continue dying year after year.

I explained above what the colon can be used for, and I don't see it being used correctly here. You're putting it at the very end of a complete statement that was explained in the first line of the stanza. The third line begins an entirely new subject. This is the place for a period.

Several changes:

And no one knows the stars are dying;
No one knows that it's them crying -
That you no longer hear their mirth
As, one by one, they fall to Earth.

Whereas beore I felt the commas offsetting "one by one" were optional due to your internal rhytmn, I feel they are necessary here. It's grammatically correct to include them in both circumstances, but in this instance I find they work much better than they do in the first.

I changed the commas to a semicolon for similar reasons as stated about the changed comma above.

Here, finally, I think you can benefit from another dash. You are using line three as a sort of "afterthought" that adds to the line in front of it, shifting directions slightly in the process. It's definitely not the place for a comma, as the comma simply isn't enough. However, when including the dash after "crying", you eliminate the need for it after "mirth".

Several changes:

So next time you see a falling star,
Thank the world for who you are.
And the next time you wish on a star at night,
Pray it stays there with all your might

For a reason to smile when you look outside,
Or for something to follow when you can't decide.
Wish for a motive to keep on trying

because no one knows the stars are dying.

I removed the punctuation at the beginning of the lines for the reasons stated above. It is inappropriate and incorrect.

I also removed punctuation after "might" and "trying" because the stanza breaks, themselves, provide a brief enough pause - and because you continue a single thought from the end of one stanza to the beginning of another which means you don't want to break that thought up with needless punctuation.

The semicolon was changed to a period for reasons I've described above. It's a completely new thought and not, necessarily, a closely-related thought.

I added the comma after "night" because the line was begging for a pause, especially once the dash was removed.

Conclusion

I think you do have a general and decent grasp of commas, but you definitely need some help with more sophisticated punctuation. The good news is that those things come together with practice and time - and perhaps a little more education, formal or otherwise, in regards to grammar and usage rules.

Beyond that, I'd like to see you get out of the trap of trying to impose every single pause or shift onto your reader. That's a confidence thing - both in yourself and in the reader. What I mean by that is that you do not yet have enough confidence in yourself, as a writer, to think that the reader will pause or read the lines exactly as you intended and, as such, you direct the reader to death. Give your readers some credit. They'll never read the poem exactly as it's written in your head, but there's nothing wrong with that. Give the reader a little bit of freedom, and you'll both be happier for it!

I hope some of this helped. Be sure to read the guide for more depth regarding the guidelines!

Whew! Thank you!

I'm not going to comment on everything you wrote, but I must say it was very thorough and muchly appreciated. :3 Thank you again, and I'll see if I can make some corrections!

--
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere."
-G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936)